"I thought of jumping from moving car": Sivaramakrishnan on how racism scars led to depression Former India leg-spinner Laxman Sivaramakrishnan has shared a deeply personal account of his mental health struggles, linking his period of severe depression to years of racial discrimination and colour-based remarks. During his time as a cricket commentator, Sivaramakrishnan described feeling so overwhelmed that he “didn’t want to see himself in the mirror” and feared he “was going to die.” He recounted how his routine collapsed during the IPL held in the UAE during the Covid-19 lockdown, when he would shut himself indoors, lose track of time, and rely on alcohol to cope. “I would have a couple of drinks and go to sleep because I could not bear anything. Whenever I was awake, I thought I was going to die,” he said. Sivaramakrishnan detailed the haunting moments when he felt suicidal, including instances where he considered jumping from a moving car while traveling in Dubai. “Sometimes when we were traveling in Dubai, there’s no speed limit. If the vehicle went very fast, something in my mind would tell me to just open the door and jump out. Somehow, something stopped me from doing anything silly,” he recalled. Sleep became a torment, with recurring hallucinations that left him terrified. “You close your eyes, you see images that you can’t imagine. All very frightening. You open your eyes, there’s nothing. But you’re so tired that you want to sleep. You close your eyes for a while, then again, open your eyes. So there goes your sleep.” He admitted that alcohol worsened his condition, trapping him in a cycle of despair. The former spinner also revealed how racism affected his career, even during his 23-year stint as a commentator.#laxman_sivaramakrishnan #desmond_haynes #malcolm_marshall #vijay_amritraj #gordon_greenidge
Laxman Sivaramakrishnan, once celebrated as India’s most naturally gifted leg-spinner, has chosen to erase all traces of his cricketing past from his life. The former player, who made his Test debut at 17 and dazzled with his spin at 19, now lives in a home devoid of any reminders of his career. His decision to distance himself from his playing days comes after he resigned from the BCCI commentary panel, citing discrimination based on his dark skin. Sivaramakrishnan’s journey began with early signs of racial prejudice. At 14, while still in school, he was mistaken for ground staff during a training session at Chepauk. A senior India batsman reportedly asked him to clean his shoes, an incident that left him confused about the nature of racism. “I didn’t know what racism or colour discrimination was,” he recalled. This was the first of many encounters that shaped his perception of being an outsider in cricket. The discrimination persisted throughout his career. In Tamil Nadu teams, players mocked him with terms like “karupa” (dark-skinned), and crowds in cities like Bombay, Chandigarh, and Jalandhar chanted “Kalia, tera kya hoga” (what will happen to you, Kalia?). Even in Mumbai, where he stayed during a training camp, a gatekeeper allegedly refused to let him into a hotel, forcing him to wait an hour for a teammate to vouch for his identity. “After that, I realized I should take the keys with me,” he said, describing the fear that accompanied every interaction. The most painful moment came during his 17th birthday in Pakistan, where teammate Sunil Gavaskar ordered a cake for the squad. When a player joked about the “dark chocolate cake for a dark boy,” Sivaramakrishnan broke down, refusing to cut the cake. Gavaskar had to intervene, and the incident left him with lasting emotional scars.#bcci #laxman_sivaramakrishnan #desmond_haynes #malcolm_marshall #chepauk
"Nobody Wanted Their Daughter To Marry Me": Ex-India Star L Sivaramakrishnan Narrates Battle With Depression, Alcohol Laxman Sivaramakrishnan, the former India leg-spinner, has opened up about the personal and professional challenges he faced during his cricketing career, including battles with depression, alcohol, and societal judgment. The 1987 World Cup veteran, who made his India debut at 17, described how his reputation was tarnished by persistent allegations of drug and alcohol abuse, which made it difficult for him to find a partner despite his status as an international cricketer. Sivaramakrishnan recounted how his career was marked by a mix of early promise and later struggles. During his teenage years, he faced accusations of being an alcoholic and a drug addict, even though he maintained that he had never used drugs. He explained that the constant negative publicity made it nearly impossible for him to maintain a normal life. "People love to spread bad things. My tours happened between 16 and 19 years. How would people serve me alcohol in a hotel when I was underage? I have never done drugs in my life. I have had a few beers later in my life— I don't say no to that. But imagine a 19-year-old being called an alcoholic, a drug addict," he said. The former spinner also revealed how these allegations affected his personal relationships. He stated that his reputation had become so damaged that even as an international player, he struggled to find someone willing to marry him. "People had made my reputation so terrible that nobody wanted to let their daughter marry me," he shared. Sivaramakrishnan’s exit from Indian cricket was equally tumultuous. He described how the selectors allegedly asked him to publicly blame fitness issues for his absence from the team rather than performance.#mental_health #india_cricket_team #ipl #laxman_sivaramakrishnan #world_cup_1987
Former India spinner Laxman Sivaramakrishnan has spoken about the challenges he faced early in his cricket career, including instances of racism within the Indian dressing room, and how his experiences in the West Indies provided a sense of belonging. Sivaramakrishnan, who represented India in 25 international matches, made his Test debut in Antigua in April 1983 at the age of 17 years and 118 days, becoming one of the youngest players to compete in the format. Reflecting on his early career, Sivaramakrishnan described feeling more at ease in the Caribbean than in his home environment. "Everybody’s skin colour was on the darker side. They were very happy people," he said in an interview with The Indian Express. He highlighted that the West Indies team, including players like Desmond Haynes and the late Malcolm Marshall, treated him with warmth and support during his debut Test series. "In West Indies I was treated very well even by the opposition," he recalled. "My best friends were Desmond Haynes and late Malcolm Marshall. They used to take me out almost every evening." Sivaramakrishnan shared specific anecdotes about his time in the region, including how he would take a change of clothes and shower in the ground during Test matches before leaving the stadium. He emphasized the camaraderie he experienced, which contrasted with the challenges he faced in the Indian dressing room. While he did not elaborate on the nature of the racism he encountered, his comments underscore the cultural and social dynamics he navigated during his early years in international cricket. The West Indies environment, he noted, offered a sense of acceptance and community that helped him cope with the pressures of representing his country.#west_indies #laxman_sivaramakrishnan #desmond_haynes #malcolm_marshall #the_indian_express
Ex-IND Cricketer Fires Shots Again; Speaks of a BCCI Employee, Not Jay Shah, Who Has Jeopardised His Commentary Career Former India leg-spinner Laxman Sivaramakrishnan has once again taken to social media to address allegations of unfair treatment in his commentary career, clarifying that the issue is not with the BCCI as an organisation but with a single employee. In a series of posts on X, the 60-year-old cricketer accused someone within the BCCI of undermining his work, a claim he later reiterated to distance himself from the board’s leadership. The controversy erupted after Sivaramakrishnan posted on Friday, stating he was retiring from commentary for the BCCI. His subsequent message elaborated on the grievances, suggesting that his long-standing contributions to the board’s broadcasts had been overlooked in favor of newer commentators. He questioned why he had not been given opportunities for key segments like tosses and presentation, even during the tenure of former coach Ravi Shastri. The post sparked widespread debate, with many fans and media outlets amplifying the narrative, leading to a hostile online environment against the BCCI. Cricket enthusiasts from across the country rallied behind Sivaramakrishnan, with some critics targeting ICC chairman Jay Shah, who is often seen as a de facto leader of the BCCI due to his family’s political influence. However, Sivaramakrishnan clarified on Saturday that his dispute was personal and unrelated to Shah or the board’s administration. He insisted the issue was a one-on-one matter with an unnamed BCCI employee, vowing to take control of his life and career. Despite not naming the individual, Sivaramakrishnan’s posts suggest he is close to revealing the identity of the person he accuses.#wankhede_stadium #bcci #jay_shah #laxman_sivaramakrishnan #world_cup_1985
Laxman Sivaramakrishnan Accuses BCCI of Racism, Forces Commentary Retirement Laxman Sivaramakrishnan, a former India leg-spinner, has stepped away from commentary duties for the Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) after over two decades, citing allegations of racism and a lack of opportunities. The 60-year-old former cricketer made his announcement through a series of posts on X, which have since gone viral. In his posts, he accused the BCCI of systematically overlooking him for key on-air roles, such as toss duties and post-match presentation ceremonies, despite his long-standing association with the organization. Sivaramakrishnan, who played 9 Tests and 16 ODIs between 1983 and 1987, revealed that he had been excluded from prominent commentary responsibilities for 23 years. He acknowledged the possibility of racial discrimination, responding to a user who suggested it could be a factor. “You are right. Colour discrimination,” he wrote. He questioned why he had not been given opportunities that were handed to newer commentators, stating, “If I have not been used for tosses and presentation for 23 years and newcomers come in, what do you think could be the reason?” The former spinner also pointed out that even during periods when established figures like Ravi Shastri were part of the BCCI setup, he was not assigned such roles. This, he argued, indicated a long-standing pattern of exclusion. Sivaramakrishnan emphasized that his decision to retire was not merely about ending his career but also about highlighting issues surrounding role allocation and production processes within the organization. “My retirement is nothing great. But a story of TV production unfolds. Soon you will see the bigger picture,” he wrote.#india #ravi_shastri #bcci #x #laxman_sivaramakrishnan
Veteran India commentator quits, blames BCCI for ignoring him 23 years: ‘Can’t sacrifice my self-respect and suck up’ Former India spinner Laxman Sivaramakrishnan has announced his decision to step away from BCCI commentary, citing frustration over being sidelined for key roles like toss and presentation duties for over two decades. The 60-year-old commentator took to X to share his retirement announcement, expressing his discontent with the lack of opportunities to handle these responsibilities, which he felt limited his contribution. His posts emphasized that this decision was deliberate, driven by his desire to be valued fully in his role. Sivaramakrishnan, known for his candid approach both online and on air, highlighted that high-profile toss and presentation duties in major BCCI matches have increasingly been assigned to figures like Ravi Shastri and Harsha Bhogle, while other commentators have been given similar tasks in remaining games. He questioned the rationale behind this pattern, noting that even during Shastri’s tenure as coach, newcomers were given these roles, leaving him and others like him overlooked. His frustration stemmed from feeling undervalued for an extended period, despite his long-standing association with cricket broadcasting. In his tweets, Sivaramakrishnan struck a defiant tone, hinting that his retirement marked the beginning of a larger story that would shock the public and cricket fans. He expressed satisfaction that critics of his work were pleased with his decision, while thanking those who had at least acknowledged his contributions. He also conveyed disbelief at the BCCI’s potential reaction, suggesting the organization would be left unsettled by his departure. Sivaramakrishnan, a leg-spinner, rose to prominence during India’s 1985 World Championship victory.#ravi_shastri #bcci #ipl_2026 #laxman_sivaramakrishnan #harsha_bhogle
