"I thought of jumping from moving car": Sivaramakrishnan on how racism scars led to depression Former India leg-spinner Laxman Sivaramakrishnan has shared a deeply personal account of his mental health struggles, linking his period of severe depression to years of racial discrimination and colour-based remarks. During his time as a cricket commentator, Sivaramakrishnan described feeling so overwhelmed that he “didn’t want to see himself in the mirror” and feared he “was going to die.” He recounted how his routine collapsed during the IPL held in the UAE during the Covid-19 lockdown, when he would shut himself indoors, lose track of time, and rely on alcohol to cope. “I would have a couple of drinks and go to sleep because I could not bear anything. Whenever I was awake, I thought I was going to die,” he said. Sivaramakrishnan detailed the haunting moments when he felt suicidal, including instances where he considered jumping from a moving car while traveling in Dubai. “Sometimes when we were traveling in Dubai, there’s no speed limit. If the vehicle went very fast, something in my mind would tell me to just open the door and jump out. Somehow, something stopped me from doing anything silly,” he recalled. Sleep became a torment, with recurring hallucinations that left him terrified. “You close your eyes, you see images that you can’t imagine. All very frightening. You open your eyes, there’s nothing. But you’re so tired that you want to sleep. You close your eyes for a while, then again, open your eyes. So there goes your sleep.” He admitted that alcohol worsened his condition, trapping him in a cycle of despair. The former spinner also revealed how racism affected his career, even during his 23-year stint as a commentator.#laxman_sivaramakrishnan #desmond_haynes #malcolm_marshall #vijay_amritraj #gordon_greenidge
Laxman Sivaramakrishnan, once celebrated as India’s most naturally gifted leg-spinner, has chosen to erase all traces of his cricketing past from his life. The former player, who made his Test debut at 17 and dazzled with his spin at 19, now lives in a home devoid of any reminders of his career. His decision to distance himself from his playing days comes after he resigned from the BCCI commentary panel, citing discrimination based on his dark skin. Sivaramakrishnan’s journey began with early signs of racial prejudice. At 14, while still in school, he was mistaken for ground staff during a training session at Chepauk. A senior India batsman reportedly asked him to clean his shoes, an incident that left him confused about the nature of racism. “I didn’t know what racism or colour discrimination was,” he recalled. This was the first of many encounters that shaped his perception of being an outsider in cricket. The discrimination persisted throughout his career. In Tamil Nadu teams, players mocked him with terms like “karupa” (dark-skinned), and crowds in cities like Bombay, Chandigarh, and Jalandhar chanted “Kalia, tera kya hoga” (what will happen to you, Kalia?). Even in Mumbai, where he stayed during a training camp, a gatekeeper allegedly refused to let him into a hotel, forcing him to wait an hour for a teammate to vouch for his identity. “After that, I realized I should take the keys with me,” he said, describing the fear that accompanied every interaction. The most painful moment came during his 17th birthday in Pakistan, where teammate Sunil Gavaskar ordered a cake for the squad. When a player joked about the “dark chocolate cake for a dark boy,” Sivaramakrishnan broke down, refusing to cut the cake. Gavaskar had to intervene, and the incident left him with lasting emotional scars.#bcci #laxman_sivaramakrishnan #desmond_haynes #malcolm_marshall #chepauk
Former India spinner Laxman Sivaramakrishnan has spoken about the challenges he faced early in his cricket career, including instances of racism within the Indian dressing room, and how his experiences in the West Indies provided a sense of belonging. Sivaramakrishnan, who represented India in 25 international matches, made his Test debut in Antigua in April 1983 at the age of 17 years and 118 days, becoming one of the youngest players to compete in the format. Reflecting on his early career, Sivaramakrishnan described feeling more at ease in the Caribbean than in his home environment. "Everybody’s skin colour was on the darker side. They were very happy people," he said in an interview with The Indian Express. He highlighted that the West Indies team, including players like Desmond Haynes and the late Malcolm Marshall, treated him with warmth and support during his debut Test series. "In West Indies I was treated very well even by the opposition," he recalled. "My best friends were Desmond Haynes and late Malcolm Marshall. They used to take me out almost every evening." Sivaramakrishnan shared specific anecdotes about his time in the region, including how he would take a change of clothes and shower in the ground during Test matches before leaving the stadium. He emphasized the camaraderie he experienced, which contrasted with the challenges he faced in the Indian dressing room. While he did not elaborate on the nature of the racism he encountered, his comments underscore the cultural and social dynamics he navigated during his early years in international cricket. The West Indies environment, he noted, offered a sense of acceptance and community that helped him cope with the pressures of representing his country.#west_indies #laxman_sivaramakrishnan #desmond_haynes #malcolm_marshall #the_indian_express
